while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
