Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i think my tv is drunk
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Randomize
