then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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