I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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