Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
