Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
