Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
