My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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