my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
