How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
