I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
