the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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