My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos