So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
