y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
