i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
