After last night, I could never be a politician.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
