we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
