by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
