as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
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My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
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Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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