Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
