She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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