Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
