Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
