Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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