Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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