Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Couch. On fire.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
