You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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