I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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