Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
