i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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