whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
