Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
