Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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