My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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