i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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