my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
