just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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