Well douche your snatch and let's go!
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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