My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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