If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I love you. Go after that dick
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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