You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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