Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
