the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
