Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
