You can't special order awesome
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
