I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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