does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
