Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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