Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
