I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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